I realize a couple things right now which is good – seeing as how I can’t figure some other things out at this moment.  One, I still need to blog about the remainder of the Nicaragua trip and two, I can (maybe) be “verbose” at times so I’ll try and cut to the chase with this post.  I’m operating on about 3 hours of sleep to boot, which means this is in everyone’s best interest if I can actually accomplish it. 

We’re on week two of seven in our study at church within the Book of Exodus.  Specifically, we’re learning about the Mishkan – God’s tabernacle and portable dwelling place which had very, very specific instructions in terms of how it was to be constructed.  From the colors, materials, sizes, etc…it’s all laid out purposefully.  In fact, our congregation has reconstructed a true-to-scale altar of burnt offering that sits at the front of the sanctuary.  The altar was the place you went to confess any sins and get in right relationship with God before you continued inward to the more sacred places within the tabernacle.

All that to say – it’s a totally boring study.  Yes, I wholeheartedly believe everything contained in the 66 books of The Bible.  No, I am not necessarily enthralled or interested in all of it. 

So today as I was tuning out, trying to simultaneously stay awake and ditch suppressed guilt, I immediately perked up when I heard our Pastor say, “When I was a teenager, someone told me that when you die and go to Heaven, you have to answer for your life as it all plays back on a big screen.  And everyone else, both in Heaven and still on earth will be watching it with you.” 

Now we all understand that’s utter hogwash, but yikes!  My stomach was doing some flips on its sinking way down to my toes.  I seriously wanted to puke.  Guess that was the point.

This life can be seriously tough at times.  It can be beautiful, simplistic, ritualistic, easy and then… wham!  All of those little white picket fence adjectives can be squashed by a freight train we didn’t see barreling down the tracks.  And after it makes its cataclysmal way through, the only things left are difficulty, uncertainty, and confusion. 

When you’re faced with those remains, it becomes challenging to remember and adhere to bottom lines at times.  Your own decision-making train, trying as hard as it can to keep rolling down the tracks, has no idea where it is even headed.  The tracks are crooked.  They’re worn.  They’re tired.  Depending on the day and the load the train is carrying, it can even run out of gas altogether.

But eventually it’s got to pull into that station.  That final destination which is endlessly sought after in some kind of ridiculous pursuit of…of…of what? 

Declaration-like Happiness?  Well THAT inalienable right sure is nice and gray.  Thanks for that, Tommy.  Or Mr. John Locke, not the one from Lost.

I don’t know.  In the midst of all this, I turned on Oprah’s OWN channel as I wanted to watch her interview with D-Wade, Chris Bosch, and that other one who is dead to me.  Inspiring?  Maybe on a day when I’m not this crabby and tired, but today those 3 just made me want to puke again for the second time.  Maybe 2010’s Game 6 vs. the Celtics should be looping on Mr. Unnamed’s big screen so his (let’s pretend he has some) guilt cannot stay suppressed.

The only thing I do know with absolute certainty is that I would very much appreciate it if “My Life In Film” could go straight to DVD. 

And then thrown in the bottom of the Red Box abyss forever and ever, Amen.